Birth Story - Part 3 [C-Section Recovery]

09/09/2020, Kareen Lai

 

C-Section Recovery

Once in a while I hear some women share that they had absolutely no problems with their C-section recoveries. They made it sound so smooth sailing, that I wonder if they ever went through the biggest surgical incision of their lives. Typically, a dislocated ankle would render most women ‘helpless’. But a C-section is nowhere near a dislocated ankle. It’s one of the biggest cuts ever made to our bodies. How could they claim there was not much pain and they could stand up the next day?

I was bewildered.

Because I couldn’t.

In fact, for the entire day after the C section, I was delirious. I was fading in and out of consciousness and I remembered I was just dozing off all the time. I didn’t want to see anyone. Not even my baby (yes, I still have not met him). I wanted to sleep but the neighbouring beds with their visitors made so much noise that they kept startling me out of my sleep too. I contemplated hurling my catheter across (in my drugged state).

And when I was finally more awake in the evening, I wanted to eat rice balls and beancurd.

My happiest realisation was that I was no longer pregnant. I didn’t detest food anymore! I could eat without feeling nauseous now! And I wanted rice balls!

So daddy went to get rice balls for me, before he went off to the ICU to see the little one.

I gobbled down my rice balls and in less than 10 minutes, I threw them all out.

I might not have pregnancy nausea. But the side effects of epidural was still hovering around.

In fact, on the second night, I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night trembling with cold sweat! I was trembling so hard that I hurt my C-section wound. And that scared me to bits, because I was clenching so hard that I was afraid I would tear my wound! With the pain and the uncontrollable trembling, I called for the nurses on night duty. After what seemed like ages with me scrunched up in pain on the bed, they finally gave me another painkiller. But the effect would only take place in 30 minutes.

Gosh .. I was already dying from pain and fear!

Later I found out from the anaesthetist that uncontrollable shivers could be a possible side effect of the epidural. Why didn't anyone warn me before? I also suspected it could be due to a full bladder pressing on a some part of the wound that caused the uncontrollable pain and involuntary clenching.

I remembered I switched on the TV in an attempt to distract myself from the pain and shock. It was showing Black Hawk Down on HBO. How comforting. 

The truth was, I didn’t see any of these happening to the mamas in my ward who experienced natural births. They could move around slowly, attending to their babies who were in cots beside them. They could move from their beds, to their chairs, to the cots and perform simple tasks. I was pretty much stuck and immobile. Turning to my sides was a huge challenge by itself. In fact the first 24 hours was a whirlwind and a blur. Even if baby was not in ICU, I was in no capacity to mother and start bonding with him right after birth.

This was clearly the stark difference between natural birthing and C-section.

So women who wish to elect for C-section procedures, please think and rethink before you decide its a better option for yourself. The recovery rate will evidently be much slower and more painful.

 

Brain Woes, Breastfeeding Woes

During this entire period, we were also ‘homeless’.

Well, our new place was not ready before the baby, so we were still bumming at my mum’s. The good thing about being at my mum’s is that she will take care of all my meals diligently. However, she was also matron to about 10 people in the house (including my brother’s family and 6 month old) that another newborn might completely crash her ‘motherboard’.

Thus, we made the choice to get help from a confinement lady and for me to stay at my brother’s for some peace and quiet.

Turns out, the peace and quiet that I thought I was yearning for, was not too ideal. I missed the twins a lot and all that time alone with a newborn didn’t help with reducing anxiety.

On top of it, my milk didn’t quite flow even after 2 weeks of working hard on the pump and going to NICU daily for skin-on-skin time with baby. There was not enough for him and he was fortunate that KKH has a milk bank to supplement his appetite.

The ultimate break down came when I was sitting with him one day at NICU and I saw his 'ward-mate' getting ready to be discharged. The nurse brought out a huge bag of frozen breastmilk for his mum to bring home with her, because there was too much excess.

I remembered looking at the huge bag and couldn’t help feeling out of the sorts the whole day! I had been consoling myself that it was because of the early birth that the milk was taking some time to flow. But seeing that huge bag felt like a smack in the face to me because that mum had a preemie situation too!

 So what was wrong with me?

 And I remembered that day became a day of easy triggers. Because on the same day, I broke down too when the lady at Mr Bean packed a blueberry pancake for me, even though I asked for a hazelnut pancake.

Was that depression?

After baby Darshn was home for 4 weeks, my milk still didn’t quite flow. We were blessed that a fellow mama who had attended one of our classes donated her excess BM to supplement his needs. I attempted power pumping, full day latching, took domperidone, saw the lactation caonsultant, ate and drink loads etc … but the milk flow was still pathetic.

 Emotionally it was hard.

I can't recount the number of times tears just rolled at the smallest triggers or a simply just someone asking me how I was doing. 

Reading about breastfeeding advocates talking about how breastfeeding is all in the mind and connection with the baby, and how it's nature's law that ‘all mums can feed their babies’ etc … was hard. And then I had my postnatal masseur sharing stories about mums she knew who were small-breasted but had over supply, and mums who were big breasted but had no supply. It was bizarre how your milk ducts do not correlate to the size of your breasts.

I also personally know of a case study where a new mum had absolutely no milk flow, no matter how the LC massaged, squeezed and coaxed. Then I would come across another article from a midwife somewhere, citing “let the oxytocin flow and the milk will come”.

Oh gosh, the amount of stories and articles could make me go insane. 

I didn’t manage to breastfeed the twins fully. I had assumed it would be different with Baby Darshn, since it would be ‘easier’ with one baby. But then I also forgot. I didn’t have ONE baby. I had ONE baby and TWO kids who also needed my attention, time and love.

 

So after persisting for another 3 weeks of ‘full day latching’, and seeing that the milk supply was just not even remotely sufficient for him, we decided to simply supplement with formula. I have two other kids to give my time and attention to. Instead of fighting what seemed like a losing battle and I might end up making everyone around me go crazy, we decided that this would help with sanity.

(I will share  about our experience with formula milk in another post.)

With that decision, I felt an instant weight taken off my shoulder.

Literally.

I became a happier mum, diverting some much-needed attention to the twins, who were missing out on my attention since I was pregnant.

 And Baby Darshn grew steadily too.

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By the time of this writing, he's almost one year old. In fact, he will be one in 5 days' time and he's now the undisputed 宝贝 in the household.

I can't believe it has taken me this long to be ok, recalling and writing about this pregnancy and birth story. Most of it had to do with my internal struggles of course, coming to terms with reality vs expectations.

It was a challenging journey. No doubt. 

But it is what it is. 

My journey to recovery and fitness took time too as my body needed time to first recover from all the trauma. I'll share more in details about my road to recovery and fitness in subsequent articles. 

 

One thing for sure, it has reinforced to me more deeply than ever, that every woman's body is different and no textbook, influencer nor blogger can claim to know it all. 

If you know of another mama who needs some encouragement and support, I hope my story can help her feel that she's not alone. 

Big Hugs Mama!

 

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